ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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