you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize