why didn't you poke me back
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
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Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
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I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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