i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
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We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
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Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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