God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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