Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
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I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
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