i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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