it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
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planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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