If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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