yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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