Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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