this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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