Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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