The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
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You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize