ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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