I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
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In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
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Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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