So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
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I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
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You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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