To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
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We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
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Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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