so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
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you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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