Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
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btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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