you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
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