Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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