Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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