When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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