In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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