So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
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Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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the liver wants what the liver wants
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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