You're completely useless in the revolution.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
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I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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