you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize