it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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