Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
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Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
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Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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