I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
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Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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