I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
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I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
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Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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