I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
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