just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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