It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
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Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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