my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
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Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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