I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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