She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
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Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
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If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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