then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
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Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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