It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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