If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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