I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
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someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
where are my pants?
in the oven.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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