I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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