look no pants
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize