Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize