i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
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I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
pray to the hookup gods
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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