The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
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I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Please don't give away my fajitas
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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