bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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