omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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