You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
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We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
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I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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